An Interview with Alex Kuilman, London, England, Ki ThoughtBridge Senior Consultant

In your practice, you assist leaders to consider the less tangible but critically important aspects of negotiation including self-awareness and what we term inner work. How is the negotiator's capacity for self-awareness important to success?

Alex Kuilman:

I think a lot of people do not realize how much they can drive the negotiation.  From the old stats that we used to say to clients: 7 out of 10 people are waiting for a first move - to then react to! 

IF this is true - I have to set the best foot forward to ensure I am allowing another person to follow my lead.  If I am unaware of how I am acting, or more importantly reacting to another, I am already behind the eight ball.  Self-awareness allows us to be viewed as centered and balanced in the eyes of the other person one is in negotiation with.

eB:

You refer to the concept of "Creative Cause" in your teaching, how is this important?

AK:

It is a question I ask myself a lot when things are not going well.  I can have one of two stances - one of victim - which then simply dis-empowers me from learning, or I can take creative cause as my mindset on how I wish to learn from every moment. 

If I can ask myself what am I not seeing in myself, or what I am not noticing in the situation in front of me that has created the bad outcome?  I am now learning how to adjust and act more purposefully in the future.  That to me is creative cause - a mind frame or mindset that enables me to learn from every moment.

eB:

What prevents leaders from pushing the pause button?

AK:

We traditionally don't stop and "push the pause button" because we are simply not aware that it can help.  There is a physiological response that one can also look into.  Daniel Goleman writes about an "amygdala hijack" response that we have.  It is a more scientific way to see why we do not stop to pause in the moment of hi reactivity, because literally our brains move into the flight or fight syndrome and prevent us from thinking rationally.

eB:

What emotions do you feel are most commonly engaged when negotiations veer off track?

AK:

 a. Anger

 b.  Fear

 c.  Hurt feelings

eB:

How do these emotions distract from one's success?

AK:

I think there is no one emotion that is more important than the other.  My understanding of emotions in relation to my own negotiations, is that I have not been good at separating myself from the emotion.  In other words, I get swept away in the emotion, and do not make purposeful choices in the moment.  It can lead to very bad outcomes that I then need to back peddle or work harder to redirect. 

It is almost like the emotion takes over my whole body, my whole person, so I end up loosing the difference between "feeling" the emotion and "being" the emotion.  Just look at the language we use in relation to emotions.  I AM angry (emphasis on the AM).  That to me says that my whole self becomes angry. 

In reality, that is just not true.  I FEEL angry.  This second expression gives me the choice whether to deal with the angry feeling or not.  I still have the other parts of me functioning to multitask and come to a more useful experience of the emotional response.

eB:

How does the Seven Element Model for Conflict Resolution and Negotiation© help a leader act with a more clear and purposeful behavior?

AK:

Preparation around the content of the negotiation helps me not have to focus on the content of the negotiation as it comes up, when I am facing the person or persons I am dealing with.  It is one less thing I have to think about and feel stressed around.

Role playing the elements also creates awareness of how the content of the elements could play out when actually at the table.  So it allows me to try out a few paths, or possible routes, to take the discussion.  It basically takes the stress of something new coming up all the time, out of my mind.  I have already looked - and felt - what might be on the table. 

The Seven Element Model© essentially allows me to be more present, in the moment and purposefully aware of what is going on inside of me, and around me, so that I can make more purposeful moves toward achieving what I want. That to me is just saying I have more bandwidth to deal with other aspects, since the content or substance of the negotiation has at least been thought through from a few angles.

If the basics are prepared - covered and generally thought through - I am much more able to focus on being centered with myself to pick up the cues from the other side - and thus less likely to become reactive in the moment.

eB:

In preparing and role playing in advance of a negotiation where should leaders put their attention?

AK:

I think the first and most important thing is to prepare, prepare, prepare - on the substance of the "negotiation".  Then identify in ourselves any patterns of reactivity to the person we will be meeting.  Very often we play out patterns with certain people, but also with certain types of people. 

As an example, I am an extrovert, and feel very uncomfortable when I am dealing with an introvert who does not say a lot.  I know it is a pattern of mine to try and fill the "empty space" and talk.  Knowing this has helped develop my ability to use silence much more effectively - and purposefully - to encourage another person to contribute to our jointly understanding the issue at the table.