"In Order to be a Leader, You Need to Build Bridges"
This phrase is posted to a kiosk of a church I drive past several times a week. This pearl of wisdom resonates with me during a time in my life when I'm dealing with a series of personal communication challenges that are leading me to new skill development opportunities.
As leaders, we can build bridges by managing the smallest of interactions consistently and with respect for the other person. By understanding our own hot buttons and dealing with them appropriately, we help to strengthen relationships, which can pay huge dividends as a leader.
In reflecting on three recent personal examples I have noted the importance of building bridges through effective communication. I've learned that it's not getting there first with the answer, or prolonging the debate in order to show the way that leads to effective communication.
I recently had an interaction with a colleague during which I sent a message that had a very different impact than what I intended. The impact was so significant that the relationship may have been damaged had I not recognized my error. Similarly, I had an interaction with a speaker after an event during which his communication had a negative impact on me. Closer to home, my wife and I are caregivers for her father who lives with us and has dementia. His disease causes extreme breakdowns in his communication, negatively impacting the communication with and among the three of us.
Analyzing these individual transactions helped me recognize the need to develop and practice new communication skills. After the first incident, I took immediate action to take responsibility for the negative impact of my comments, yet the event shocked me and prompted a deep review of my communication habits and patterns. First, I sought counsel from a trusted confidant who offered to “hold up a mirror” to help me see how others view my communications.
Our conversations helped me see how my eagerness to move change forward, can be perceived by others as being pushy or aggressive. Like many change agents, I have the ability to see possible solutions often well before others. However, the “gift” of being able to develop pieces of an issue quickly into a possible solution has the potential downside of alienating others in the group and actually hinders the development of other robust solutions for change.
To better understand my communication style, I decided to use the Ki ThoughtBridge History TimeScape Tool© to reflect on my personal experiences through successive positions of leadership. Starting with my high school experiences, where my communications and leadership skills first developed, through my most recent professional roles in managing change, issues of diversity, and complex, multi-party teams, my analysis helped me to note the evolution of both my skills and the patterns in my communication style.
In my assessment, I noted how my quick actions, can leave others feeling like they are being closed out of making a contribution toward the group's change efforts. I've learned the value of patience and letting the diversity of a group evolve the solutions at a pace that is comfortable for all participants.
Next, I reflected on the behaviors of a few of the leaders with whom I've worked and consulted and noted two key examples. I recall being struck by what I viewed as the negative behavior of a new Vice President of a business unit to whom I reported as the HR director. He had a clear and strong view about what the HR strategy for the unit should be in order to turn the business around.
It was quite radical from where we had been previously in response to strong product demands in the marketplace. Not only did he propose significant change in strategy, he wanted it implemented very quickly. Daniel Goleman calls this style of leadership the coercive style -- do as I say and do it now! I advised that the change in strategy would take time given the nature of the changes, and that we might want to consult with the regional sales managers to get their reactions.
He insisted on moving forward by telling the field leaders what to do. They tried to speak up, and were also rebuffed. A few of them dragged their heals in response to not being heard, and ultimately the VP relieved 2 of the managers of their positions. In the end the change process took twice as long as the VP had hoped.
In contrast the behavior of a superintendent of a school district where we were engaged to facilitate an agreement between the district and the teacher's union showed the value of patience and what Goleman calls self-monitoring. The relationship between the district and the union was just beginning to improve after changes in leadership in both the union and the district's administration.
The previous negotiation process had taken two years and was very difficult. As a result, the parties agreed that they would try an intensive one-week effort using a facilitated interest-based methodology to get a negotiated agreement. Both teams were new to the interest-based process, making them wary. The superintendent did a great job of letting as many people as possible on both sides speak during the discussions as we elicited interests and developed options.
Only when discussions became protracted, wandered off course, or stalled did he speak to offer additional options to get the group back on track. He often asked questions to guide people to think of other possibilities. Within five consecutive days of working together the two teams reached an agreement that expanded the pie. Using a coaching and authoritative style the superintendent evoked the best efforts of the negotiation team and was able to build incremental bridges at each segment of the larger negotiation.
As a final step in my process, I consulted the book, 58 Little Things That Have a Big Impact by Janet Crenshaw Smith, which describes the process of identifying and dealing with “Micro TriggersTM". “Micro TriggersTM” are “subtle behaviors, annoying phrases, and micro-inequities that hit our hot buttons, cause us to disengage and trigger a reaction.”
I learned that by first identifying and then sharing my own Micro Triggers, I'm letting others know how I define respect, what's important to me, and who is important to me. Revealing myself to others is a gift. The book has given me a new lens through which to see my behaviors and the language and behaviors of others.
As a result of my increased awareness, I was able to analyze and appropriately deal with the interaction I had with 2 other people after a speech I attended recently. I was talking with the speaker about his remarks, when another person in the audience came up to us and immediately asked the speaker his question.
The person interrupting didn't say anything to me or even acknowledge me. The speaker immediately took up conversation with the other person, and I was livid! I had had a hot button pushed, but at the time, I wasn't sure which one. As I reflected on the interactions, I recognized that I felt disrespected by both people. I now know being disrespected is a significant hot button for me.
Later, I was able to have a conversation with the person who interrupted. He appreciated the fact that I had shared my reaction, and was grateful for his new awareness of his behaviors. I was pleased at my own learning and helping raise the awareness of someone else.
My new awareness is applicable to my role as a KiThoughtBridge consultant and as a caretaker for my father-in-law. As a consultant it's critical to be patient and listen to clients in order to understand their needs. If I try to connect the “facts” being offered by the client too quickly, I might reach the wrong conclusion, or, in the process, not let the client work through their own thoughts to be able to define their problem.
At home, my father-in-law's dementia often prompts him to launch personal attacks and to be sarcastic. I've learned to pay attention to how I feel when he has his fingers on my “hot buttons”. I give pause to an immediate response, and often don't even engage, but remain silent. Not engaging is difficult but on observing his illness I've come to see that we are all limited in our communication capacities in some way.
Some of us are fortunate, however, to be able to see our limits and attempt to do something about those we might change. Wherever we lead, at work, in our community volunteer roles, or in our personal lives, improving our communications skills ultimately is the bridge to improving all aspects of our lives. What are you doing today to build bridges through those smallest of interactions you have with family and colleagues?
Resources:
Leadership That Gets Results, Daniel Goleman, Harvard Business Review, Reprint R00204, Mar-Apr 2000
58 Little Things That Have a Big Impact, Janet Crenshaw Smith, Ivy Planning Group, LLC, 2006
About the Author:
Bob Volpe is an independent consultant residing in Rochester NY. Mr. Volpe served as a full-time consultant for Ki ThoughtBridge from 1998-1999 and serves as an Associate Consultant. Previously, he was employed by Eastman Kodak Company, where he had assignments in employee benefits, human resources, recruitment, and government relations.